The human need to be understood
Is it really necessary for our growth?
This one has been inspired by my four year old niece. A human of much depth and even more play. And according to my brother, a human who as of late has been growing more and more frustrated by her many interactions with adults who do not seem to understand her. Her words, her sentences, her delivery. Hell maybe even her presence. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know exactly what she’s going through. I feel many of our inner children can relate in fact.
If you know you know #longlivethenineties
When she doesn’t feel understood, her anger surfaces and the frustration is released usually in tears and stomping (also something I can relate to). I haven’t been around her for a couple of months now, but during the holidays I could feel her starting to disconnect with people who had already proven that they 1) weren’t listening or 2) just didn’t understand. She would give you several attempts and if you still didn’t get it, she’ll focus her attention and play elsewhere. On the surface this can feel dismissive, but when you really dig deep into the energetics of this — it’s energy management at its finest. From a child who hasn’t quite yet learned the ways of our validation seeking society (and hopefully never will).
A child who doesn’t seek her sense of safety or worthiness from those outside of her, not even her caregivers. This is what Carl Jung would call inner authority and self trust by the way. She sees a pattern and she allows the person to live in their pattern, releasing any kind of control or need to fix it. While she is impacted by it and feels all the emotions of being unmet, her safety luckily still resides within herself. Not in another’s ability or inability to show up in a certain way. I’ve also noticed she’s quick to forgive and her ability to move through the experience of disconnection is without fail much faster than most adults I know, including myself.
I am not here to diagnose whether this is healthy or not for her age and quite frankly I don’t care to place judgements on her development. In my eyes, she’s developing in her own messy and imperfect way, free from the black and white / right and wrong constructs of our society.
All I know is that I’m inspired by it and am so grateful that children exist. Children who remind us to feel and express our emotions fully without getting attached to them or use them to create stories about others. Children who remind us to take back our power in moments we may feel misunderstood or unmet. Through observing their way of being, we are brought back to our own wholeness as we are. Free of judgments and justifications. Living fully in the present moment. In the very moments where joy can take root within ourselves first and then hopefully with others who have also discovered and live from their own wholeness.
If we are to create true, harmonious communities, it’s important we realize and live from this wholeness first without rushing to connect to fill some sort of void. Cultivating a healthy sense of self that is neither attached nor avoidant. Releasing the validation seeking behaviors and living from the truth of who we are and encouraging others to live from theirs. Releasing the projections of who we should be and who another is. Otherwise, we’ll just have more of the groupthink rooted cult-like communities we’ve been subjected to thus far. Where everyone’s trying to fit in but only a percentage really feel like they belong.
Can we really feel like we belong in community if we don’t first belong to ourselves? Is it reasonable to expect someone who hasn’t lived your life or experienced what you’ve experienced to truly “understand” and validate you? Are we seeking this understanding and acceptance outside of ourselves because we have yet to understand and accept ourselves? How are these expectations keeping us from truly seeing one another and connecting with one another?
For me, it all comes back to as within, so without. The more clearly you see yourself, the more clear the world around you will become. Free from distortions, you’ll shift from seeking to seeing. And when you start to actually see again, you see all the beauty in addition to the pain that we’ve been so conditioned to fixate our existence on (think negative feedback loops). And while negative feedback loops are necessary to create stability, positive feedback loops are where growth and change live. Growth and change that we all are so clearly in need of these days. Change that brings you a bit closer to your joy, our joy.
